2004-05-15 - 5:12 a.m.

Aija

I've been a bit preoccupied lately -- I'm happy, you see, and I don't know what any of it means. It's entirely possible that it doesn't mean anything, which would actually be quite preferable at this point because I'm finding it difficult to think about and analyze.

It's 5AM now and I went over to her apartment after work and we walked around in the chill 2:30AM air for an hour talking quietly in the near-silence of the meandering parking strips in lieu of babbling brooks and snowcapped peaks, and I'm so in love with her and the way life works right now that I could .. well, that I could sleep, because I'm very tired and it's been a long day. I drove home feeling awake and listening to whatever perfect song had just come onto the radio and thinking how unbelievably pleasant it has been, and how frightening it is to think of how small our window of perception can become.

Not that I'm claiming my perception has grown to universal proportions -- I'm excluding quite a few things by being happy, but those things included are ones I've much less experience with, and definetly ones that could do with a lot more experiencing. Purely in the interests of this finer emotional science that I am attempting to research, naturally.

I can't lie awake and watch her sleep because having her nearby makes me feel safe and fulfilled for another day -- it's not that nothing bad can happen, just that .. well, heh. Like I wrote down six years ago on that first piece of inspired paper-stuff -- "other things happen, and are irrelevent". I may bitch, I may gripe, but when it comes down to a solid valuation of what really matters to me, no event that does not concern the people I care most about can really harm me, which leaves only inconveniences and irrelevencies.

I can tell when she's thinking of kissing me, because she catches her lower lip with her front teeth and pauses a moment, then continues. I think sometimes she does it just to let me know, since I already told her I'd marked the habit's significance. Reflexive understanding of someone else's gestures is a language I've never spoken before, and it's one I like the sound of.

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