2004-04-15 - 1:59 a.m.

Showin' Talc

Today I remembered for the millionth time why I need other people around, and it's because I forget very important things far too often to leave myself entirely in my own hands.

I think that made sense. Pardon me, it's rather late.

I remembered today that when I took this job two years ago, my stated reason was to use up as much of my spare time as possible. Fact is, it wasn't as much the time that I was looking to use up as my care -- Sim was leaving for quite the long spell I assumed, and I needed something to pour effort and (to some degree) hope into. And la, the job evolves until the store that I worked at is now mine, and all this time I've forgotten why it is that I work so hard.

I can't stop caring -- I've a rather large capacity for it, and can really only pick and choose among available targets, not shut it off completely. Why control it? Because I've hopeful expectations for the people I care about, and I tend to become a bitter, prune-pit of a man when I am disappointed too many times by the people about whom I care.

And when something comes up that reminds me about all the other things besides work that there are to care about, I start to snap out of it and work becomes an immense chore -- the tasks are no different and the people are no different, but there's no sense of accomplishment to be had.

The caring thing, I think, is also partially why I've had such a bugger of a time staying pleasant at work of late. I feel betrayed by the direction the corporation I was trying to really care about has chosen to take, and it's always a pain in the ass to learn that who/what you cared about is incapable of caring back at you.

Corporations are like that, but I'm forever finding new and creative ways to deny emotional reality.

I will see if I can't find some new ones tomorrow, and perhaps I will be seeing if some of those involve people instead of corpora.

previous - next