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2004-02-24 - 6:30 p.m. Something Broke I came home today to the apartment I havn't cleaned in months and heaved my usual sigh at returning to a place I don't really feel much attatchment to. The laundry hasn't been done, the dishes are months old, and the trash is piling up despite the dumpster being perhaps a forty second walk away if I take a leisurely pace out my back door, conveniently located next to my trash can. And something broke. It's not, as I've been thinking for some time now, that the problem is just too large to figure out or that it needs more time to be figured out. It's that I don't function by breaking things down into manageable chunks and working steadily on a regular schedule, making steady progress. When I see a piece of the problem, I attack it and kill it -- I've been failing to take that into account and being very frustrated with my slow progress. When you judge yourself, be not too harsh; in the same manner that we cannot fully comprehend what it is to be someone else, we can for the same reasons perhaps never comprehend what it is to walk in our own shoes. The only life that can be fully apprehended is the one that's stopped, and even then it takes awhile. I have decided to throw away everything in the kitchen, since it's the only way to get it clean in under six hours of heavy cleaning. I will buy new dishes and new silverware, and I will perhaps even call for repairs on the dishwasher that in all likelihood hasn't been functional since I moved into this apartment a year and a half ago. I will, quite possibly, not do things completely in the way that would be most usual, but I will live within my own standards once I've gotten my life back in line. No more letting failure sit until I figure it out -- what's the point? I'll figure out and learn from the failure while doing something that's actually productive. Lord knows introspection's not exactly paid off to this point in time. That's enough for now, I think. There are video games that need to be kept company in this long and lonely winter night.
DLand |