2004-02-05 - 5:00 a.m.

Sleeping in the Flames

From where I stand now, it seems abundantly obvious that the way to study life is not with a scalpel -- analytic thought is excellent for sets of facts, but sets of facts are devoid of life, devoid of change.

Perhaps someday in the future I'll develop the cohesive understanding of the Greater Whole that leads men to madness or prophecy, but for the time being I'm just going to jump in and keep swimming until my arms give out.

And as for life being unfriendly to me these last few years -- well, how would you treat someone who came at you with a scalpel and tried to reduce you into your component pieces? Dissection is for once it's all over, and so help me, it's not over yet.

In the end, it was the simplest of all solutions that seems to have swayed me out of my rut. For years, I've analyzed life to determine what exactly it is that I disliked about it, and then hammered my head against the wall for those same years upon learning repeatedly that dislikes cannot necessarily be removed, and that even their removal is no guarantee of happiness. And then, one night while driving in the rain with the radio on, I came to a stop and a stoplight and thought to myself that I had never perhaps bothered to think about what I liked about life and how I could directly make myself happier.

I like being organized. So I have broken the massive and hitherto daunting task that was reclaiming my apartment from the mess of the past span of time into several pieces -- and I just do it, and I'm happy when it's done and clean and I can walk around knowing I accomplished something. I also bought a DVD rack, which is something stupid that helped my mood a lot.

I like working hard, and I'm finally needed again at work -- good timing all around.

I like getting an early start to the day and having all those extra hours to mess around in on days off -- I also like sleeping in, but it's not an enjoyment you can really experience except as its' absence, you know? You don't really like sleeping, since you're asleep and can't really enjoy it -- it's more that we dislike waking up.

Anyhow, I'm going to sleep. ;p

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