2003-06-01 - 3:05 p.m.

This is not the description of a hyphen.

I have got to be the only person in the world to get choked up watching Bruce Almighty.

Additionally, I have decided to go to Hawaii, but not right at this moment; perhaps in six months, perhaps in a year. Whenever I have either someone to go with to split the expenses and minimize the danger of getting stuck there or a significant amount in savings to cover the possibility of needing a plane-ticket back to somewhere homelike in short order.

There's a lot of the same stuff going on in my head that went on when I was trying like hell to accept Baccha's place in Sim's life, and I'm trying like hell to accept Fred's place there now without knowing a damn thing about it. This really isn't rational of me. I was in love once and there is no reason after three years apart that pieces of that should still be knocking about in my head. There really is no reason for me to have the persistant feeling that someone else is in my spot in someone else's life -- that's not a justifiable or rational feeling, and there are no spots in peoples' lives. I ask these rhetorical questions, but I have never made a serious effort to get her out of my head -- why try, a lot of me asks. When you meet someone who validates what you hope for in people by being what you think is best in humanity without having consulted with you at any point on how they ought to develop or what you think is best, what rational reason is there not to love them? Survival, perhaps. What else are we supposed to look for in partners, then, if not that? Things simply do not make sense to me. She wrote me the other day and said she couldn't remember if she'd ever told me that I was the first person she'd ever fallen in love with -- and zowie. It makes no sense to me that she left, saying she needed to get her life in order, and that was that. Do not dismiss this as a girl thing -- it isn't. Somehow, this makes sense and there is a reason for it, which is one of the things I respect about her. I simply don't know if I will understand the reason, or if I will want to know it once I've found it. I do not understand so much, and I also do not understand how to let go of questions that may remain unanswered. I've never had to do it before. And that's one of the huge things that gives me this reaction every time someone significant appears to be establishing themselves in her life -- the fear that these questions will remain completely unanswered, and even forgotten by the person who could answer them because someone more significant steamrolled over memories of me with candlelight and significance. I won't be forgotten, I know; that's small reassurance. He's out there somewhere, doing something, exaggeratedly miserable. I do not understand so very very much about the two people I have loved. I do not understand not being able to let go of someone who, with your children in the car, braked and came to a full stop on the freeway because he was angry at you. This person would never see me again, and I simply do not understand the sort of tolerence .. ..that it takes to be around me for extended lengths of time. You see, that's the trouble, I do understand some of it, and I understand why the people who stay with me share this characteristic -- because it's necessary and I am a goddamn aggravating person to be around. Which is, going back to the couple entries ago of a few hours ago, another reason that I do not intrude on peoples' lives anymore. I can offer aggravation, and I can offer an interesting and unique person, but I really do not think that it is worth the tradeoff. Sometimes I think it's worth it, and those are the times I almost go up to people. And then I remember that I'm just another random guy on the street, and I do not want to cause anyone any anxiety. It is time and past time for me to go to work. I will continue later, most likely. These thoughts are wearing at me.

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