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2003-06-01 - 4:46 a.m. Examining Individuality Individuality has been a panacea for decades, now. To what end? Seems to me to be the art of finding a balance between defining one's self as different and distinct and retaining the ability to relate to and communicate with other beings in meaningful ways. I've been distinct as hell to no particular gain at many times in my life, and only in the last couple of years gained the ability to talk to anyone different than I am. Survivability of a mutagenic trait is not determined by how unique and special it is, but by whether a) it helps the individual organism survive and whether b) the organism can still interbreed with the others of its kind. Some kinds of individuality may be fine and good as abstract concepts, but they render us unable to interact meaningfully with those that are dissimilar to us. Type O for life yo. John and I were talking about what we'd learned from working where we do. "I learned," I said, "that dumb people can still be worth knowing." Someone we're rather protective of then wandered in and asked the definitive stupid question. It was some good laughter, and rather confused them, I think. One of our employees gave two-week notice recently and I didn't care enough to find out why -- she's not one of our better workers, nor is she particularly interesting. She is, in fact, dumb as rocks that have had their mineral-based brains mixed with barbeque sauce in a Cuisinart. Cuisine art. Heh. It's very like me to never notice that. Someone passed on to me what her reason for leaving to go to California was. She wants to be on Beverly Hills: 90210 and thinks she has a shot at it. I would hate to destroy her dreams by pointing out that the show is no longer being filmed, because then she might stay and we'd have to go through the tedious business of firing her. -- As for Hawaii .. I don't know, I really don't. I could stay here and be relatively comfortable and maybe find a roommate I don't hate or something and then I'd be more than comfortable I'd be downright well off and .. nothing would happen. After thinking about it and talking about it with a few people all night, I came home thinking that for the first time, a major change seemed doable. A shift in location isn't exactly an apotheosis, but it's a change at least -- and a kind I've never really given much serious thought to. And then I got an email and now it all seems fucking impossible. I hate that. My responses to such things are very poor indeed. It's not the responsibility of the people I respect to tone down their opinions in any way -- it shouldn't even be a consideration, particularly when I go out of my way to ask for feedback. If I were a better person, I would not be discouraged by disagreement -- I would find the source and find a way to understand it and make decisions based on that. However, I am still in the process of looking for that elusive perfect soul, and find myself more inclined to sit in a corner and wallow in self-pity. It will never change, my pervasive emotional mindset says. It's difficult to argue with something supported by three years of life's agreement, but I do make an effort. I haven't yet tried everything -- I've not gone back to college, I've not gotten involved in the local arts or political action scenes. It seems certain that somewhere in Olympia there are probably people with whom I would enjoy spending time -- but dear sweet lord. Sim tells me periodically to just go up and talk to people. There is a difference, though. Guys will respond positively when a highly attractive girl comes up and starts talking to them about video games. The two who will not are dating each other and do not matter. I am not a fem, and my self-esteem opines that intruding on someone else's space and time is very nearly offensive unless your presence was requested or some generic company seems to be desired. And perhaps we're highly social individuals after all, but I'm just not seeing it -- I really don't know. A couple people tell me I should head down to the bars more and "pick up chicks" with them -- why? Play the same luck of the draw that got me to where I am? No, but thanks for the thought, I know you meant well, guys. You don't have Kristin locked in your head as a result of past indiscretions and being a shade too indiscriminate. Ah fuck. I really need to talk this over with Sim -- it keeps my brain working straight to have to talk live about it with someone else instead of just setting a mental track and wandering to its' conclusion. Communication is all about finding the side-streets. I tried finding people, I really did. If you've never had the experience of messing around with Internet Personals, you really do meet some interesting people. I also learned that I am exactly as likely to find them interesting to talk to as I am to wander through a crowd and bump into someone, then become lifelong friends with them. It's the same principle, really, just on a bit smaller scale. I actually went through and called one of them because she seemed ascerbic enough to be interesting -- I really made an effort. We ended up talking for a half hour or so because I couldn't believe that it was really that bad. 10 Print "%QUESTION%" And then there was Angela, who I was too busy to talk to when she initially responded, so I sent a half-hearted "yeah, hi, hows it goin, kinda busy, yeah, that book is cool, i like that author he inspired me to write something i forget what but its in here somewhere (link to writing collection) i think it's on page three sorry gotta go l8r dood". And came back to something very akin to hero worship. Some time later on in our conversational relationship, she had been talking about poetry and other authors she enjoyed reading and then paused for a moment and said, "But I have to be honest, none of them really move me like you do." I was left scratching my head, really. I'm certain she was being honest, but .. yeah. I am not all that much, seriously. I will be someday, but I am not that much. Which I guess is the other reason I feel that going up to someone and talking to them is invading their space, regardless of who it is or why -- the chances are extremely good that if they are worth my time, I'm not worth theirs. And shut up Mouse, I don't want to hear it. Your opinion doesn't count. :P I admit it, I cried during About a Boy. There's a scene where the layabout Hugh Grant has met this fascinating, sarcastic, beautiful woman who is talking to him at a party, and then she asks what he does. The monologue in the background is that for five magical minutes he realized what life could be like if he were anything of substance, if he were at all interesting, or if he had anything at all to really contribute to someone else's life. And then he admits that he does absolutely nothing and she gives a politely confused, "Ah -- ha," and is rescued from the suddenly awkward conversation by a guy on her opposite side. It's nowhere near the end of the movie, but moments of realization that simply stated are rare, movie or not, and I am a sucker for them. ..and I still refuse to make a decision, but the intellectual balance has currently been swung by my emotional state, and is leaning toward staying, now. I have no words for how much it depresses me that my excitement and enthusiasm can melt away like that. The reminder that my emotional states are largely without value in the making of decisions is helpful, yes, but hardly confidence-building. And yet I don't have the belief that I can go and make a place for myself; here, right now, I believe that I will fail once I get there. It was a nice thought. I will probably change my mind again tomorrow. Angst is so mindbendingly inane. I will shut the hell up and go to bed now.
DLand |