|
2003-05-24 - 12:52 p.m. Wow Addendum I've decided to let my hair grow out again, because the purpose for having it long -- as a reminder to myself that it was time to grow the fuck up and stop thinking so much about image -- is, I think, sufficiently embedded in my skull that I will probably not forget again.Thus, there seems to be no reason to me that I should not grow my hair out again, since I like having it long. More accurately, because I am a sucker for such things, I like hearing compliments on it and my appearance in general. I have decided to hunt around for information on antidepressants. The last three weeks or so have consisted of some fairly extreme swings between what I consider to be rationality, where well-reasoned coherent thought and some degree of motivation are not only possible but nearly reflexive, and some fairly intense depression. Sometimes there are rationales for these swings, other times not -- it's nothing new for me, but the frequency of the swings gives me the luxury of comparison, and I've decided that I don't much care for my inability to take care of myself on the lower end of the cycle. So, as with many other times when I have arrived at similar junctures wherein the problem is properly stated and the necessity of change is clear -- it's time for a change. If all you have is a rational imperative to overcome your emotions and do what is necessary, you will fail. Not every time, not even most of the time -- but failures will emerge because we are not perfect beings and cannot guarantee success in any endeavor. The constant act of self-conquest is as continuous and unrelenting a process as the subjugation of any restless populace, and one as likely to inspire revolt through a moment's negligence. What I mean to say is that if you're exercising rational control of your emotions and actions, you will screw up eventually, whether through fatigue, insufficient willpower (motivation, hoy! comes from the emotions that you're controlling, child), or what have you. There is a persistant need in me to find a place of rest, and there is no rest for a constant conquerer. So, assuming that modern science is not entirely bunk, one supposes that anti-depressants might -- and this is a long shot here -- act against depression. I'm not really interested in elation, constant happiness -- I'm not looking for a high. I would simply like to be able to take a rest from the constant control for awhile without instantly getting depressed. And so I will take such steps as I find necessary to achieve this goal. Also I will finish my food and go to work. Because I will it to be so. Grr! I'd make a really shitty gladiator.
DLand |